you have fears that keep coursing through your mind and no matter what you do they’ll never leave unless you deal with them head on. And for me, my recurring fear was continuing blogging. I’ve passed the one year mark, living in my small bubble where everything was happy and blogging was simple. I fell in love with blogging and loved the fact that there was no one to police my posts or put me in a corner. I could write about anything and get hits from anyone and still feel like my voice was being heard. But the more I wrote, the more I grew anxious, and fearful, and skeptical. Am I good enough? Is my writing improving? Why haven’t I gained more followers? These questions bothered me and they eventually consumed me. I started to think blogging isn’t for me and I should quit.
The longest I’ve ever gone without writing before was maybe a full week, but my recent break went on for about a month where I felt both relieved and anxious. I was relieved because I had no judgements for that month. I hadn’t put up any new posts so how could anyone judge them. I didn’t have the fear that people weren’t clicking the links in my bio or visiting on the daily. Because blogging had consumed me so much, not worrying about it for awhile made me not miss it. I didn’t worry about setting shoot times and dates, or scheduling posts because nothing new was going up. I honestly felt relieved because I didn’t feel scared anymore . But with all that being said I was also anxious. Not blogging for over 2 weeks made me feel like I wasn’t a blogger anymore. I felt like people wouldn’t be discovering my site or visitors wouldn’t care to follow me anymore. Maybe I’d even start losing views. I had even more anxiety because I felt like I couldn’t start up again. I had hit that writers high before I stopped, then life got in the way, writing ceased and I couldn’t get back in the groove. I accepted defeat.
I felt so insignificant with blogging that I no longer saw its point. If I stopped forever would anyone know? Would anyone care? I really contemplated quitting. Deleting my site and hiding that part of my life. It just got so hard. I started to feel less than. I wish I had thousands of people tuning in but I don’t. I started to judge my own humble posts, disregarded them because they’re nothing like the big names out there. But that’s because I forgot why I started my blog, and I forgot why I continued for over a year. Because I love to write, and I love to write on MY blog. I loved that it wasn’t policed and I loved that I can write about anything. I just have to remember that it’s Leveridged Lives not his, hers or Erica’s life.
I’m still so new to this blogging thing and I know I have a long way to go. I have goals for myself and I’m working really hard towards them but it is hard. I want to be successful so bad but it breaks my heart when I try but I don’t see the rewards. This is what I meant about it consuming me. That was one of the main reasons why I wanted to quit. I thought my slow growth was a sign that I shouldn’t be doing this anymore. I love it so much that I just can’t give up, I can’t just QUIT. I’ve decided to turn my blog around a little, carry it in a new direction, make it more personal in an appropriate way. I want to keep it close to build up my web family. I want to write about the things that really makes me happy so that I can find friends that love it too, and not the stuff I thought would get me hits. Why am I quitting blogging? I’m not. Why I wanted to quit blogging? I got scared and demotivated. Why I’m not quitting blogging because writing is my dream and if you’re dreams don’t scare you then they aren’t big enough, so I’m keeping at it.
Question of the day:
Have you ever quit something you loved due to fear?
For me, yes. Not only blogging. I’ve quit small business endeavours because I was scare I wasn’t good enough.
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Thank you for stopping by Leveridged Lives. I hope this post helped you in figuring out whats truly worth fighting for in your life.
Photographs by F. Blake